STEViE STARR;

i love you eric anjos

love is so understated

it's..

something beyond definition, something unspeakable

something

that

makes

words

become

so

inadequate,

so limited.

sooooooooooooooooooo.

here we go again, of course this really isn't worth space or breath, but,
i do get bored from time to time, and i'm pleasantly high.
there really isn't anything too interesting worth speaking of..
i stayed home today from school, every time i made the intent to get up onto 2 feet, i'd pass out/ black out.

total passing-outing-ness: 4

total blacking-outing-ness: approx. 12

i kind of gave up,
realizing that i'm probably killing 495403.53 brain cells per standing-up-ment.
so,
i layed in bed in my underwear, indulging in books i have wanted to get around to reading them.. but.. clearly failed. loudly.
zen and the art of motorcycle maintenence, and a book about the marvelous Ayahuasca. (thank you baby for the books)

but today after my salvia trip,
i'm not sure if i could survive anything more intense than this.
i believed that this was the maelstrom, the last day i was ever to be on the earth,
i wanted to run around, and scream, and hold on to every person i love, and breathe them in one last time.
i couldn't particularly see absolutely anything off in the distance/ clothing rack/ detachable cartoon highway.
k80 and i were large, we contained multitudes, and we were of completely distinct matter than everything else that is of our planet.
we reached cosmic ultimatehyerghuyhr.
i wonder.. how much meditation and will power one would have to exude to control a trip like this.

i'm still not sure what to perceive of this whole field trip to other fucking dimensions thing..
i want to walk those spirals in control.

anyways,


ja te miluju zly andel;

haha, well, i just woke up, and i am utterly confused.
i remember going to the studio, harassing people, sitting naked on top of a car.
and the rest of the night is blank, i truly don't remember getting home..
i have no bra, i'm so mangled and bruised, i lost all of my shit.
honestly, i lost, my camera, cellphone, money, even my fucking cigarettes.



post script:
also, i apparently don't remember this, but i was told that i grabbed eric by the hair, and spit on his face. then he pinned me up against the wall, strangled me, and then threw me over an amp. a truly eventful night.
AND that i walked up to eric's mom, topless, and asked her if she wanted a pill.
then dallner and them came to pick me up, and i was shoving my tits into everyones face. we got to zettell's, and me and jesse got into a huge fist fight and started breaking shit.
i really must've had a great night, at the time, though.

"stevie, you need help."

yeah, i'm fucking back in kitchener.
it's still too fucking surreal.
friday, my band and i went to the studio, and jammed for, like, 8 hours. so fucking amazing.
we're renting out a room at bandjam. 400 a month which is rather cheap. and we can basically go in whenever the fuck we want.

Antes que el cuerpo sea un objeto que se pueda concebir en su totalidad y tratarlo como una cosa, el es una dimension de la propia existencia. El cuerpo es primeramente cuerpo vivido ´´y la experencia del cuerpo propio nos revela un modo de existencia ambiguo´´. La ambiguedad es la caracteristica decesiva que permite comprender este sistema circular. Lo sensible tiene una significacion mortiz y vital que se propone al cuerpo y este lo asume coexistiendo con ella. El sujeto sensor simpatiza con las cualidades sensibles haciendolas suyas, sin posibilidad de enfrentamiento entre exterioridad y interioridad. En consecuencia, la distincion clasica paciente- agente pierde su razon de ser : ahora se trata de un intercambio tal que ´´sin la exploracion de mi mirada o de mi mano, y lo sensible no pasa desear una vaga solicitacion´´.

i haven't really been putting this to much use,
well, last weekend was definitely one of my best.
regardless of the complications, i went to the Nails concert, and afterwards me and K80q hung out with the band.
yeah, it was fucking amazing.

so, i passed out on nick's deck on monday, with my contacts in, and they dried up in my skull, and..
i have a detached cornea.
i have to put all of this junk in my eyeball, and i have to wear an eyepatch.

so, uh, interesting night.
me and sealey, evan, jesse and beachey all ate mushrooms.
it was definitely a good time; we went prowling in some forest.
i was being completely harassed by trees, like, i was mangled within it all.
i tried to kill beachey, and throw him off a cliff.
i don't know, i rolled down a big fucking hill, and i was so ridiculously dirty.
i got really annoyed with constantly having the need to pee. and i refused to deal with it, so i just started pissing myself.
then we all went milling. i was getting very destructive, and i wanted to dismantle absolutely everyone, or start forest fires, or whatever.
anyways, then we were all escaping the wilderness. and we walked through the waste and desperate streets, and it started to rain.
it was so amazing. freedom summer.
and, uh, yeah. then everything died.
and me and jesse went to nicks work to retreive him. and we went for a fucking journey, and then.. met up with the whole group business. i chugged alot of rileys alcohol. i can't exactly recall what it was. nick chugged a hell of a fucking lot, as well. we were both completely trashed, and tried to assist eachother. it really didn't work out well.
jesse punched me right in the jaw, and i could catch my blood. i was amused.
so, we got to zettells, and i was.. like, so plastered.
i think i have a concussion. i smashed my head off zettells bathroom several times.
i was barely conscious for the rest of the night. and.. my night ended at approximately 6 am.
i have gashes and bruises and everything ever. i am mangled.

so, my boyfriend left me for another girl.
i'm a wreck.

A million faces, each a million lies.
For each and all a chrome disguise.
Prompts for action, force reaction.
Embody promise in a sheen so pure.
Hurt, the measure of blind ambition.
The testament to your singular disease.
Against all wisdom, you heed no warning.
Your desires; giving you away.

Your actions turn conquest to dust.
In portents of fate you foolishly place trust.
Sense fear, in your broken breathing.
Resort to shadows, until your body expires.
All creation has the promise of Heaven,
And still you travel the road to Hell.
I'm saying nothing for the good of myself,
But i'm still talking, and you're not listening.

If i could change your mind;
I wouldn't save you from the path you wander.
In desperation dreams, any soul can set you free.
And i still hear you scream;
In every breath, in every single motion.
Burning innocence, the fire to set you free.

the union of human and divine consciousness, weaving the fabric of space and time, in which the self and its surroundings are embedded.

because unlike every other faker on this livejournal.com hype, i prefer being under the floor with worms, while you're tripping all over one another's bullshit that drags as far behind you as your fake faces.
i like being solitary and refined.
unlike all the angstmonger fags on LJ& myspace, i mean it when i say I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE. and i'm ONLY HERE TO SCREAM MYSELF, and i couldn't really GIVE A SHIT IF IT MATTERS TO YOU.
this that is perfect, this that is beautiful. this that is everything you wish you were, and this that is the strength to go through with everything. you can stand and scream, like every other so-called saint about my flaws; but the fact is that you WISH, while I AM.
i'm a sick fucking twist, and i don't suggest enjoying me. despite all of my love and loyalty, i like harassing people to their cores.
i'm a bad person. i'm a red alert, and high risk. your life can't be anywhere near that boring. there must be something safer you can do. if you want to alter your perception, just shoot and/ or sniff. you'll be doing far less damage than actually attempting to know me. because i seem to have an addictive personality, and i'm surrounded by hungry bovine eyes, and chewing mouths full of shit, who try to consume me and write a fucking book about it, on a daily basis. and they really don't seem to notice or care about the effect i have on them.

crack baby crack;
show me your real.



me and mister smith;



me and missssssy;



me and missy2;



sara, me, missy, and kate;
drunk as fuck.



me and missy;
red madness.

so, yesterday.
went to missy's going-away party.
she's going to china for a month, and it makes me want to ram myself on cupboard edges.
anyways, so, yeah.
and then we all went to abstract.
i must admit, i had a good time.
alot of booze, dancing with sean and chris, everything else.
yeah, the end.
missy, have a lovely vacation.
i love youuuu.

i've been sober for 5 days.
i'm going absolutely insane.
not even because i'm hungry for adam,
but being sober turns me into even more of a psychotic cunt.

i cannot distance myself; ♥

joey is clever;

No entry found for STEVIE.

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hooooooly shit.
so, my psychotic mother came to visit.
and she made the biggest international scene.
she's a psychopath& i want her dead.
went to the show? why? ew.
because i was ridiculously fucking bored& bm had my drugs.
dadadadaaaaaa. popped some pills.
OH WAIT. did i mention i was wearing my new docs?
FUCK YES. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. i lovelovelove.
moving on.
i got sooooooooooooooooooooooo
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
fucked up on K.
i've never been so fucked up before.
well, maybe a few times. but that is rare for miss starr.
danced with stuy. then.. puked blood?
no joke. is this healthy?
never.
ummmmmmm. smoked some meth.
bzzzzzzzrk.
idunno.
stuy spun me so fucking fast that my feet were literally 8 feet in the air.
and then he let go, and we prowled into the ground.
i love shea, and BM.
and everyone else is complete and utter shit.
KYLE, from acton was there. it caught me off guard.
guard? PARDON? where?
yeah.
ummmmm, ummmmm, ummmm.
i got sooooo many kisses, it was shady business.
then i felt the need to go home because i was completely disgusted.
once again. with peoples ugliness, and such and such.
then jesse was supposed to come over, but he got ridiculously trashed.
and. i'm wide awake, and.. and..
fuckfuckfuck. i need something to do.
shoot me in the thigh, please.
immediately.
i'm not functioning.
i'm really surprised i'm not dead yet.
darn shame.
AKA. i'm floating.
AKA. in this white wave.
AKA. i'm jesus christ.




WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, ALICE?